How to Effectively (Not) Have a Conversation: A Play in Three Acts

Dear sister,

One thing I will take away from this experience is the ability to end conversations without (seemingly) meaning to. Observe:

Act I, scene 1. Interior.
person: Did you hear, another one of those big shots - a news anchor or something - has come out and said that he's gay?
me: I know, isn't it ridiculous? As though I should somehow care about his sexuality, like it made some kind of difference to what kind of news reporter he is or something.
person: (no response)

Act II, scene 1. Interior.
person: Oh man, school today was SO GAY.
me: That's kind of weird, cuz I thought your (private conservative Christian) school would, like, discourage homosexuality, not encourage it.
person: (blank stare)

Act III, scene 1. Interior.
person: And all these blacks came over from Africa, and now they're all 'woe is me' about everything.
me: I don't think very many blacks "came" over. (pause) There were a lot who were brought over, though.

So yeah, apparently I'm now a conversation killer. Mea culpa. (And I swear, all three of those conversations actually happened like that - and all within one weekend, too.)

Much love,
your am-I-home-yet?-sister

SPF-11

Dear sister,

Um ... I'm still alive. Sorry. A little stressed out with job searching and health insurance and all the other fun things that come with being adults. Remember when we thought being an adult meant eating ice cream for dinner and playing with Barbie dolls whenever we wanted?

But I thought I should share with you one of the things that has at least made me feel like I have a tiny, minute, wee bit of control over the chaos of my life. With no further ado, allow me to introduce you to ... the Strategic Plan for Happiness, 2011 (spf-11, for short).

The SPF-11 is split into categories, each with its own sub-headings of long-term goals. Long-term goals are then split into monthly short-term steps, with a column that should read "met...met...met...met...met" by the end of the month. So far, I have about a 40-60% success rate on this column.

Sometimes goals from one month end up getting met in another month; sometimes goals simply get moved on into the next month with no progress whatsoever. And sometimes short-term goals get met and I get to add another step to be completed in the next month! (That's always an exciting moment.)

The real point, though, is to sit down at the end of the month not only to take stock of what I did/didn't accomplish on my list of goals, but also to realize just how much I'm trying to get done. And how much else I did do, that wasn't on my list. To push myself further in some areas (that have consistently blank "met?" columns) and to ease up on myself in others. And to relax, in general, about the need to fixeverythingrightnowohmygoshnothingisworkingoutitallmustbesolvedimmediately.

One category at a time. One month at a time. One step here, one step there ... and eventually it all adds up.

Love,
your list-loving-i'll-send-you-the-document-if-you-want-to-adapt-it-for-yourself-since-i-know-how-much-you-love-lists-too sister

Things I've learned

Dear Sister,

I've been sitting at the hospital all day, waiting for StrongDad, and I finally got the wireless to work (woohoo!) so I thought I'd blog you a post of the things I've been thinking about.

1. 9 to 5s really aren't that bad, especially when you have a cubicle with a window.

2. 9 to 5s really aren't that bad, especially when you have a computer that works at an efficient speed.

3. 9 to 5s really aren't that bad when you are getting paid for them.

4. Do not put a wad of cash in your back pocket, because $60 will fall out between your apartment and the bank. And it will suck. A lot.

5. Do put wads of cash in a container in your room, or the bank, because the disappear a lot slower that way.

Okay, so, clearly, the first three and the last two are in reference to different episodes from my recent life. The first three I realized last week when I was filling in for a producer at LOE, and the latter I realized after, well, it's pretty self explanatory.

Some other things I've learned (relatively) recently? Well, for one thing, "kill 'em with kindness" really is the best approach. I mean, you can (and should) still stick up for yourself, but people have one of two responses when you're just respond with super niceness: they either can't be mad at you, or it makes them super mad. And I consider either of those a win. (This piece of wisdom has gotten me through 6 years of waitressing.)

Also, a sense of humor makes all the difference. Think PecanMama and her health humor, the Gparents not buying green bananas and finally, the most recent example:

(this was found attached to his health proxy form, which appoints BeachMom as his health proxy).

I'll run the possible new names by him later (my vote is for DarthDad).

love,

your sister

Dear Sister,

This is going to be short, as I am currently doing an impression of Rudolf while simultaneously hacking up my lungs. (Translation: I have a head cold, and I'm not happy about it.)

I was going to write to you about chicken guts, and find some sort of website the determines once and for all if those organs of question in your chicken roasting adventure were the kidneys or the gullet cut in two, but...Well, I can't find anything straight forward and quite frankly I can't stomach any more chicken gut images. And so, I will let you duke it out with Grandma. Good luck.

I think that's it for now. My brain isn't really functioning properly (point in case: I just wrote probably instead of properly and then fixed it). Back to bed-- er, sleep, for me. I haven't really been out of bed much except to go to work.

It snowed again here this week. I'm just saying, this is not funny anymore. Why am I getting all the snow?

love,

your red-nosed sister

rules for the road

Dear sister,
After much brave and often harrowing experimentation, I have been able to ascertain the following set of rules for driving in this, my new state of residence (not that I've changed my license yet or anything, though).

1. Plowing is a process, not an end goal. Don’t expect to see tar or pavement until, roughly, June.

2. Therefore, silly things like lane markings and turn-only arrows aren’t to be followed. Instead, follow the ice-ruts.

3. Also due to the omnipresent layer of ice on the roads, stopping for a red light is encouraged but not expected. Slowing down for a yellow light is more or less a ridiculous idea.

While fairly widely followed, none of the above driving rules explain these people's near-ubiquitous preference for:
1. passing on the right
2. drive-through espresso huts
3. vanity plates

And don’t even get me started on the “choose-your-adventure” ice arenas that qualify as parking lots.

A list of top 10 vanity plate sightings to follow soon.

Love,
your white-knuckled, that’s-ok-I’ll-just-stay-at-home-today sister

A List of Lists

(as in, literally a list of lists, not as in the best list that ever was list to end all lists)

Dear Sister,

Err...Hi? Long time no blog? *Sheepish smile*

I don't have a good excuse for my lack of presence on the blogosphere. I've been getting two, that's right two whole days off a week. Can you believe it? I basically don't know what to do with myself, which I realize is an incriminating thing to say since your answer will be "post me a blog!" or "blog me a post!" (Both of which, as we've discussed, are accurate and acceptable uses of both post and blog.)

What I've actually been doing with my time off is trying to figure out what to do with my life. It's a rather daunting task, and leaves me overwhelmed and, as you witnessed the other day, somewhat panicky. Okay, true, somewhat is an understatement. Although, I'm happy to report, I have yet to have a panic attack today. So, go me!

How do I deal with said panic attacks, you ask? (After I call you, I mean.) Well, KA1 (as I have three good friends with those initials and cannot think of a better pseudonym but will edit this later when I have thought of one) asked me what I was panicking about and I replied: job, making rent, student loans, friends, new city, boyfriends (or lack thereof and confusion about)-- this is the point at which she stopped me, and pointed out an obvious fact: that would give anyone a panic attack.

Oh, right, duh. Thinking about everything at once does induce panic attacks in even the saniest of the sane. So, I need to focus on one thing at a time. How did I do this? Lists! (Again, duh).

And because you like lists, I like lists-- we all scream for lists-- here they are:

To Do List (comprehensive, ongoing).

Job-related To Do List

(you'll notice, "find one" is not on there. Hey, I can only control so much.)

Writing Sample Blog To Do List

Places to Apply To List

(The blank space after each--that's for writing details and updates about. Err..Haven't gotten that far, is all).

Things Not To Worry About Yet List

(AKA Things That Give Me Panic Attacks List)

Things To Blog To Aila About

(Editor's note: For video of apartment please see "I've Been Busy")

There are more (Apartment Wish List, Non-Apartment Wish List, Things To Get Done Before DC Trip, Things To Clean), but they are mostly in my head and I'll spare you (sorta). You probably noticed, most of the To Do lists are, well, mostly un-done. But the thing is, just getting it out of my head and onto paper actually does quite a bit to calm me down. Which leads me to the conclusion that there is just too much going on in my head. Also, I really like checking things off and crossing things out. Sometimes I even make lists of mostly things I've already accomplished, just so I can cross them off.

Hmm...I think there was something else I wanted to tell you, that I thought of earlier but didn't write down because I had no pen near me...And now I've forgotten. Darn.

love,

your list-happy, panic-prone, back-to-blogging sister

can I embed video into this blog?

Dear sister,

This is the short (15 seconds) video that, when I tried to email, turned out to be a huge file. The question is, can I figure out how to embed it here?



If the answer is yes, what you see is me learning a new skill, and then saying "I don't think I did that right" (which I hadn't - I raised it up too early), which is then why OAF starts laughing.

Love,
your sister